im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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