I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
