This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
