dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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