I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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