my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am spending my child support on dildos
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
