woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
