Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dating After Heartbreak
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.