I think my fart just growled at me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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