Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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