If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
