don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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