ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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