I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
