I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
