theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
