My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
