He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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