I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
