my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
