I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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