You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
