So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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