toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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