How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
