why didn't you poke me back
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
