I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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