it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
