It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
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He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize