dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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