Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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