I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
