I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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