Just cropdusted the office
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
