I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
