Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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