so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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