brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
