So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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