Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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