My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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