we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he fucked my hip out of place.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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