Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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