He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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