Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
