Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
