My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What did we do last night that was yellow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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