like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
