My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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