Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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