I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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