Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
