How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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