She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
