I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
