Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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