and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
