new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
