upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
